Saturday, August 3, 2013

You know it’s end game for your sanity when “Colors of the Wind” is playing in your head. 

"Hoow hiiiiiigh does the sycamore grow? If you cut it down, then you’ll neeeeverr knowwwwww."

Friday, August 2, 2013

Wallets used to always come with crappy calculators. Now they don’t.

And this was a real thought that entered my brain. And I’ll be honest, I was kind of astonished by the revelation.

I’ve been trying to figure out a way to clearly convey my weight-loss goals. I’m at an average weight now, so when I tell people I’m still trying to loss weight, they automatically say, “No, you don’t need to lose weight.” 

As well meaning as this response is, it’s frustrating. I want people to understand that my need to lose weight is no delusion.

So I will try to explain my reason to lose more weight starting with these four words:

I want Spanx freedom.

That’s right. Spanx. Freedom. In my case, it’s freedom from knock-off Spanx because paying $40+ for a glorified cocoon is a madness of retail I refuse to legitimize. 

These things both squeeze (literally) and suck (figuratively). The grippy parts chafe, and if it’s a hot day, you become a walking, talking sausage.

For all of the rubberband technology that goes into these things, they will ride up on you. There is no casual way of yanking these babies down. You better get comfortable with a vice at the top of your thighs until you get a chance to walk briskly to the bathroom before someone notices the bunching near your butt. 

Have I mentioned the crotch strap? Let me mention the crotch strap because it’s the best worst part. First of all, I really enjoy strapping something like that across my private areas. Just awesome wearing that during a day in the office. Unhooking it to go use the bathroom is a highlight of my day. It’s like wearing the bottom half of a onesie.

Lastly, I want Spanx freedom because unlike a corset, which can look sexy, Spanx will never be sexy. Mostly because they are called Spanx.